


Slipping Through My Fingers

by angelskuuipo



Series: Possibilities 'verse [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Confrontations, Darcy doesn't take any crap, GFY, Gen, Steve Rogers Has Issues, possible tissue warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 04:50:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2495093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelskuuipo/pseuds/angelskuuipo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve had to watch as Bucky bonded with everyone in the Tower except him.  He just wanted his best friend back.  Was that too much to ask?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slipping Through My Fingers

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Take a look around (see what you can see)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2446475) by [angelskuuipo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelskuuipo/pseuds/angelskuuipo). 



> This is a companion piece to my fic, Take a Look Around (See What You Can See). I got to thinking about Steve and what he might be going through while James was on his journey of self-discovery. For as sweet as Take a Look was, this is pretty much the opposite. Steve is not in a good place. However, this does end on a hopeful note.
> 
> I’m not making any promises, but I’m contemplating doing one more piece from Darcy’s POV. I need a few days to let it percolate and see if she wants to tell her side of things.
> 
> Big thanks to Shananchie for the beta.
> 
> Written: October 19, 2014  
> Word Count: 2,613

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Steve had this naïve, foolish hope that once Bucky came home everything would be all right. That his life would make sense and he could have a little bit of normal.

It didn’t work out that way.

He and Sam chased every lead for almost a year and they kept missing Bucky by just a few days. Sam tried to tell him that maybe they should let Bucky come to them, but Steve didn’t want to hear it. He _had_ to find him, he needed to find him, so he could apologize for not catching him and start making amends.

Maybe he should have listened to Sam.

Bucky finally met them outside of Seattle. He warily agreed to go to New York with them, but he flat out refused to stay with Steve. Steve would like to say he was okay with that, but he really wasn’t. He wanted his friend with him. He wanted things to be like they used to be. He put on a brave face and accepted it, though. What other choice did he have?

It didn’t help that Bucky flinched every time Steve said his name; that he shut down whenever Steve tried to talk to him. At least that eventually got explained when they found out it was a trigger set by Hydra. The brief flash of hope he experienced faded quickly enough when Bucky still wouldn’t spend more than fifteen minutes at a time with him.

To say things were tense was an understatement.

Steve watched helplessly as Bucky bonded with everyone in the Tower except him. The worst was watching him with Darcy Lewis. Those two were thick as thieves, like how he and Bucky used to be. It made him angry and he didn’t know what to do about that. He didn’t want to feel this way, but he didn’t know how to stop either. He just wanted his best friend back. Was that too much to ask?

It all came to a head about a year after Bucky came to live in the Tower.

Steve was about to enter the common room when he heard voices and he recognized Bucky’s. He was speaking in flawless Russian and it made Steve grit his teeth. Then he heard Darcy’s voice answering, also in Russian, but much less confidently. 

His fists started clenching and he shifted just enough to see them on one of the couches. He blinked at the sight. Bucky was wedged into a corner with one leg stretched out along the back cushions and his other planted on the floor. Darcy was lying against his chest, stretched out in the space between his spread legs, their bare feet tangling together. She was playing with the fingers of Bucky’s left hand, his metal hand, as they talked.

Steve watched as Darcy leaned her head back onto Bucky’s shoulder and looked up at him with a soft smile. Bucky leaned down and kissed her. Steve hissed out a breath and moved into the kitchen. He stood there next to the center island and glared at nothing in particular. It looked like he was even more out of the loop than he thought. He was jolted from his spiraling thoughts when Bucky came into the kitchen. 

Bucky paused, just for a second, before he continued to the refrigerator and got out two bottles of water. “Hey, Steve,” he said in greeting.

“Bucky,” Steve managed to grit out. He sighed when Bucky twitched at the use of his name. “Whatcha up to?” He could be cool and civil, damn it.

Bucky shrugged. “Nothin’ much. Got an appointment in half an hour, so I’m headin’ out. I’ll see ya later,” he said over his shoulder as he went back into the common room.

Steve counted to ten then counted to ten again. He repeated the count for a full two minutes before he felt calmer. Even though he wasn’t really hungry, he made himself a sandwich and methodically ate it at the counter before he ventured into the common room. Bucky was long gone, but Darcy was still in there. She was sitting up, curled into the corner of the couch Bucky had occupied with a StarkPad balanced on her knees.

He had a few things to say and now was as good a time as any.

“Miss Lewis,” he said stiffly.

Darcy stilled for a moment and then she paused whatever she was doing on her tablet. She looked up and gave him a strained smile. “Captain,” she greeted him.

He could feel his lip trying to curl and clenched his jaw. She had never once called him by name. It was always ‘Captain’ or ‘Cap’, like she couldn’t separate him from his role. It irritated him. “Why don’t you ever call me Steve?”

That was not what he’d planned to ask her.

Darcy’s eyebrows went up and she blinked at him. “Because you never said I could,” she said slowly, like it was obvious.

Steve blinked at her and frowned. Really? He thought back over their interactions since they’d met and he was chagrinned to realize she was right. She kept to the formality of his rank because he’d never given her leave to do otherwise.

Still frowning, Steve dropped into the armchair next to her corner of the couch. What else had he misinterpreted?

“You okay there, Cap?”

Steve blinked and looked at her. “How long have you and Bucky been seeing each other?”

Her eyebrows rose again and she just stared at him. He didn’t think she was going to answer him, but she finally said, “James and I have been a couple for about a month.”

He caught the subtle emphasis on her use of ‘James’ and scowled at her. She cut him off before he could say anything.

“You know, he really doesn’t like being called Bucky,” she said calmly.

“But that’s his name!” he countered hotly.

“No, Steve, it’s not,” she said in that same calm voice. “His name is James. That’s what he prefers to be called and your refusal to accept that is really wearing him down.”

Steve snapped his mouth shut and stared at her. “But… he’s always been Bucky to me,” he almost whispered. He hated the vulnerability he was sure she could hear in his voice, but there was no hiding it.

Darcy looked at him for a long moment before she set her tablet aside. She uncurled from the couch, putting her feet on the floor. Then she leaned forward and rested her palms on her knees.

“What I’m about to say is going to sound callous and mean. I don’t mean to be hurtful, but it needs to be said.” She paused and Steve realized she was waiting for him to give her permission to say whatever it was. He was pretty sure he didn’t want to hear it, but she obviously thought he needed to. So he nodded for her to go ahead.

She took a breath and made sure they kept eye contact. “Bucky Barnes fell from a train in the Swiss Alps in 1945 just a few days before you went down in the ice,” she said steadily. “You were both presumed dead,” she continued, ignoring his flinch. “But a miracle happened for both of you in that your bodies survived. Unfortunately, Bucky Barnes was found by the enemy and he essentially died for real. His mind was repeatedly erased and his body was made to do horrific things for almost seventy years. You were both frozen, but you got to keep your memories. He didn’t.”

“Please stop,” Steve begged. He didn’t want to hear any of this.

“No, you need to stop ignoring this, Steve. James is not the man you knew. His memories are slowly filtering back in bits and pieces, but he will never be the Bucky you remember. Too much has happened to him. You will lose him if you can’t accept that.”

“You don’t know that!” Steve burst out.

“Goddamnit, Rogers, he told me! He told Sam! He fucking told _you_ , but you’re too damn stubborn or, I don’t even know, too _something_ to _listen_ to him! He knew enough when he finally let you catch up to him that he could trust you, but he didn’t really know _why_ he felt that way. And let me tell you, nothing I’ve seen of the way you act around him is going to help him remember. You keep pushing him, to be the way he used to be, to remember the old days, and he _can’t_. He tries and he fails and it makes him angry. So he stays away, because he doesn’t want to hurt you. If you want to be his friend so damn bad then why don’t you try getting to know him as he is now instead trying to force him to be who you remember?” She wiped angry tears from her cheeks and Steve did the same. 

“Why are you telling me all of this?” Steve asked brokenly.

Darcy ran her hands through her hair and sighed. “Because I’m tired of watching the two of you dance around each other. Yeah, this should probably all be coming from him, but he’s stubborn, too. I’m also tired of you trying to set me on fire with your eyes every time we’re in the same room and acting like I’m something to be scraped off the bottom of your shoe. I’m sorry my very existence irritates you, but I’m not going away. I love him and I plan on being around for a very long time.”

She fell silent then and Steve looked down at his hands. She had a point. He had been, at best, stiff towards her since shortly after Bucky moved into the Tower and became friends with her. At worst, he’d been downright rude and she didn’t really deserve that kind of behavior from him. 

“I just want my best friend back,” he said miserably. “Everything has changed so much. Everyone I knew is dead or as good as. So I tried to make the best of it; catch up and learn about the world I’m living in now. I tried to make a difference and do what was right and it all blew up in my face.” 

He dashed a hand across his eyes and took a breath, trying to keep his voice steady. “Then I find out that my best friend, my _brother_ , is actually still alive. And all I can think is that now I can maybe work it all out if he’ll just come home. Maybe I can reclaim a little bit of normal, have something around me that’s familiar. Except when he does come home, he’s not familiar anymore. He won’t talk to me. He won’t spend any time with me. He won’t let me help. I have to stand by and watch while he makes friends with everyone here and I get left behind. I get to see glimpses of the old Bucky here and there, but never with me. And it hurts. It hurts so fucking bad that I can barely stand it and I don’t know how to make it stop.”

He was startled when Darcy curled her fingers over his, but he didn’t move away. He looked at her, feeling wrung out and hollow. 

“Steve, have you talked to anyone about any of this since you woke up?” she asked softly.

He shrugged. “SHIELD had me talk to a shrink a couple of times, but it didn’t seem like there was much of a point. It happened and there wasn’t any going back. What good would talking about it do?”

She squeezed his hand. “If that’s true then why are you still clinging so hard to the past?”

Steve blinked rapidly as he tried to take in her words. He could cross off all the items on his lists and he still wouldn’t feel like he belonged, because he couldn’t (or maybe wouldn’t was more accurate) let go. 

Well, shit. 

He broke down completely then; didn’t even care when Darcy sat on the arm of his chair and wrapped her arms around him. He snaked his arms around her waist and held on as he cried out almost four years of anger and pain. Darcy just held him and he hadn’t realized just how much he’d missed being touched until then. He’d gotten the occasional back slap from Tony and sometimes Thor, but Buc-James had been the last one to hold him and that was four and seventy-one years ago.

His tears finally subsided, but Steve kept his face pressed into Darcy’s stomach. She didn’t seem to mind, so he stayed there until he felt calmer. “’M sorry,” he mumbled into her shirt.

Darcy ran a soothing hand through his hair. “For what?”

He turned his head; still keeping his cheek pressed against her, and said more clearly, “I’m sorry for being a complete ass to you. You didn’t deserve it. I’m also sorry for crying all over you. You didn’t deserve that either.”

She kept petting his hair. “No, I didn’t deserve your ire, but I kinda understand it. As for snotting all over me, well, it’s not the first time that’s happened and it won’t be the last, so don’t sweat it. Apology accepted on both counts.”

He gave a watery chuckle and released her so he could sit up straight. He accepted the tissues she held out to him with a wan smile, mopped his face, and blew his nose. When he finally looked up, Darcy had moved back to her corner of the couch and was watching him with a sympathetic expression. His first instinct was to call it pity, but he checked himself and recognized that it wasn’t.

“Better?” she asked.

He shrugged. “A little.”

She just nodded and they lapsed into a fairly companionable silence. After a few minutes, Steve hesitantly said, “Bu- _James_ said he had an appointment. Could you tell me what it was for?”

Darcy bit her lip, but answered. “He was going to see his therapist.”

Steve’s eyebrows rose. “He does that?”

Darcy nodded. “Every Wednesday.”

“And it helps him?”

“I think so. He thinks so and that’s what really matters. I’m not really comfortable saying anything more. I think it’s something you should talk to him about.”

Steve slumped into his chair. “He won’t talk to me.”

Darcy leaned forward again. “Maybe not immediately, but give it a chance. You won’t know until you try.”

He nodded and thought about what he could say to Bu-James. He looked over at Darcy a few minutes later. “Get to know him as he is now, huh?”

She gave him a crooked grin. “Yeah, he’s a pretty awesome guy.”

Steve ducked his head and shyly returned her grin. It wasn’t what he wanted, but Darcy had a point. He couldn’t go back and it really wasn’t fair of him to make B-James try either.

He looked her and said hesitantly, “I used to have this friend. He was like my brother. He- he died in the war. He was pretty awesome, too.”

Darcy stared at him hard for a long moment before she relaxed into the couch cushions. “Yeah? Why don’t you tell me about him?”

Steve settled into his chair and started to talk. It wasn’t perfect, but it was something. He had some hope now and that was more than he had before. Maybe, just maybe he could salvage his friendship with B-James. And maybe he could make a new friend in Darcy while he was at it.

It was a possibility anyway.

-30-


End file.
